all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
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The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read