I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
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watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day