[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
You Might Also Like
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Ok but actually
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.