[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
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Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong