Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
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This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Tremendous stuff
Mornin. * use accordingly
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.