Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
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Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized