Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
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[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
#SaturdayBears
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.