Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
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I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*