i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
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Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
This pepper has seen some shit
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
podcasts
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
I’m crying im so happy for them
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?