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As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom theyโd be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I donโt have to brush my teeth anymore!
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and sheโs texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned โthis?โ so now I understand why she doesnโt let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentineโs Day and I said YES and he said, โCool I need you to work that day.”
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J donโt go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, โJesusโ.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
๐ถSummer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty๐ถ
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping ๐ญ
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I donโt have a phone.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.