Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
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If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Name another movie that mislead you?
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?