Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
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Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil