Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
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“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
rise and shine we got egg
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
this will hang in the louvre one day
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good