Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
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I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Breakfast for Stoners:
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.