Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
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The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.