Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
You Might Also Like
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Cat.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
even bears disappoint their mothers
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine