“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
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Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
drew a comic about my origin story
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you