i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
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Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.