I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
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I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him