Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
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COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise