SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
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Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
My time has come.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
How to draw a duck
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone: