One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
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When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume