Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
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you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Don’t talk down to me
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island