Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
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Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Buying a well is money well spent.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Never forget.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car