Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
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NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
I love the honesty
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…