When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
You Might Also Like
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money