JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
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Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!