Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
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Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!