I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
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We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
oh my god
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes