The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
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I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Florida be like…
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.