Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
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card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’