Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
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Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.