Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
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I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Happy Taco Tuesday
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?