My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
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cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
White Castle for the Win
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?