A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
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What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.