If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
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Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
when you order from DoorDastardly
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule