Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
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[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
So that’s what we looked like?
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now