Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
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met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.