no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
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Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
you have three unread messages
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.