[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
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Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
My kitchen overserved me.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Bike for sale
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.