what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
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I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
How software testing works
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*