Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
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One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
me linking you to my twitter
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁