Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
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I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Hell yeah 👍
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.