If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
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If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”