*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
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What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.