I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
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handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Hilarious if literal: arms race
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”
-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up