What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
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I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community