ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
You Might Also Like
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
I have a type: disappointing
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
When someone trying to leave me
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.