My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
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[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?