doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
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Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you